Fear. It can be paralyzing.
For years.
I never allowed myself to put myself “out there” because there was a good chance I’d fall flat on my face. And how embarrassing is that??
Although I had a message inside of me shouting to come out, begging to be heard. It was born inside of me with every intention of making a difference in this world when the time had come.
But I kept pushing it down.
Ignoring it.
Lying to myself that I just didn’t have time. I needed to get better at communicating my message first. I had to improve my writing skills. I needed more clarity.
All along I knew deep down that that is all they were. Lies. But I started to believe them….kind of.
The short-term pay off for playing small was being comfortable and safe. If I wasn’t seen, I would never have to face rejection. Feeling like I wasn’t enough wasn’t really an issue when I didn’t expect much from myself either, so there was that.
But playing small also meant rejecting my dream. It meant dismissing what I really wanted in life and grated against my values of expressing my creativity, my passion, and living life full out.
I’m pretty sure there comes a time in every woman’s life when she wonders if there is more to life than “this”. Whatever “this” means.
We love our families, we pour our hearts into our homes, our jobs, our friendships. And we have a life that looks like it’s all wonderful. Why aren’t we happy?
There’s almost a feeling of guilt for wanting more when we have so much more than most.
And I think that when we come to this place, we actually feel this way because there is a knocking at the door of our hearts. It’s our dreams. Our deepest desire. And it’s begging us to open the door even just a peek so that it can shine.
This is how I felt. I wanted to feel alive yet felt like I was slowly dying. I was all alone. I could never tell anyone how I was feeling. How dare I?! I had a loving husband, 3 beautiful kids, a comfortable house. I should just be grateful for what I had.
But eventually the pain of ignoring my Truth hurt worse than the fear of failing….
Hurt worse than the fear of not being good enough.
I had to do it anyway.
Even if I did fail. Which I was certain I would. My ego convinced me there were other people who were waaaaaay better than me already doing it. I should’ve started 10 years ago. When I realized the dream. That was the time to start.
“Now you’re too old!” ego says.
And then I realized something pretty silly. 10 years ago that same fucking voice told me I was too young. I should wait until I had some experience under my belt. “Just wait. You’re not ready!”
At what point did I go from being too young to being too old?
When was the sweet spot of being just old enough?
And if I had jumped in at just the perfect time, how long would it have lasted?
I’m finally figuring out for myself what I’ve been preaching to everyone else. I’m sad it has taken me so long, but I suppose everything is part of the journey.
What have I been preaching?
You really can have everything you want. The dream you have that is screaming to be realized wants you just as bad as you want it. You have everything you need right now inside of you to see it through. You have guidance, wisdom, faith, resources….it is all yours for you to claim.
Go for it! Jump! OMG if you realized who you born to be! If you could remember the path you chose before you were born and how prepared you were for this moment! Forget everything you think you know and tune into your Higher Self and you will live a life beyond your wildest dreams.
Be okay with failing. It’s alright to fall. You’ll suck ass at first….everyone does. Let that be fine. You’ll doubt yourself. That’s when you tune into your Higher Self. Just don’t fucking quit.
Please don’t quit.
Push on and you will realize that the fear was never real.
The only thing that was ever real was the perfection of you.
So that is what I’m doing now. I’m jumping. Head first off the cliff with no evidence of wings and knowing that they will only appear once both feet are off the ground.
Because I would rather die than go another day without letting my voice be heard.
And the wings appear.
And I soar….higher…and higher.
From way up here, I ask….
What the hell was I ever afraid of?
